Jily AU where every fanon misconception is true

Lily Potter awoke with a start. She had just been dreaming of mending her friendship with Severus by naming him godfather of her second child. Why hadn’t this plan occured to her sooner? She rolled over and shook her husband awake. The bully opened his eyes and put his nasty glasses on. 

‘James’ said Lilly Lily. ‘We have to make Severus our baby’s godfather’.

‘Who the fuck is Severus?’ asked James, walking over to the window and hexing the mail man outside. 

'Snivelly Snape’ replied Lily. 'It’s the only way to mend my friendship with him’.

James looked at his wife. 'Well I didn’t ask you out 67 times a day for 6 years for nothing, I need you happy Lilyflowerpetalbutt and if this makes you happy I’m all for it. But I didn’t even know you were pregnant my sweet Lilypadthai?’

'Well neither does J.K Rowling’ laughed Lily as James stared at her, confused, but used to not understanding anything.

Lily grinned and put on all green outfit to match her eyes. Together they fetched Harry out of his cot and went downstairs to start writing a letter to Sev.

'You better write the letter’ said James, who had never learnt to spell due to his extremely limited mental capacity. As Lily started the letter James let Sirius out of his kennel and Remus out of the library that they locked him in nightly. 'Lily’s writing a letter to Snivelicious, she’s going to ask him to be our new baby’s godfather’ smirked James, arrogant as always. 'I still hate the prick but it’s the best thing for Lily’.

'But I thought Lily hated him?’ asked Remus

'Nah she doesn’t’ said Sirius. 

'Wait who are we talking about?’ asked Peter who had just apparated, he didn’t wait for an answer before disapparating to go do some more betraying. 

'What about the whole Death Eater thing?’ asked Remus as he held a book up to his nose, 'what about Voldemort wanting you guys dead and all?’. Suddenly Lily appeared, she was furious. Her hair turned even redder as flames rose around her, her rage lifting her off the ground. She roared incoherently like the red lion she was until James pulled her back to the ground. 'What are you angry about this time?!’ sighed James.

Lily had no idea. She was just always angry. She shooed Remus and Sirius out of the house, since they were in hiding and all and went back to her letter. On the way back to the table James asked her out 6 times. 

'For christ sakes James we’re married!’ she cried. James stuck his tongue out, hexed the cat and asked her out again. Tears rolled down Lily’s face as she went back to writing the letter to her dear old friend. Good times were sure to be ahead.